Aiko Bethea on Anchored, Aligned, Accountable Leadership

Aiko Bethea, leadership coach, attorney, and founder of Rare Coaching & Consulting, joins The Female Founder to discuss her framework for building stronger leadership cultures through alignment, accountability, and intentional communication. Drawing from her new book, Anchored, Aligned, Accountable, Bethea shares how leaders can navigate difficult conversations while staying grounded in their core values. Her work focuses on helping organizations scale sustainably by developing leadership systems that support both performance and people.

Bethea explores the impact of “default behaviors”—such as people-pleasing and inherited expectations—that often operate unconsciously and create misalignment between values and actions. She outlines how leaders can use values as a consistent anchor for decision-making, while also recognizing “stealth intentions” that influence behavior in subtle ways. From modeling accountability at the leadership level to understanding power dynamics within organizations, Bethea offers a practical approach to fostering trust, clarity, and connection. She also emphasizes the importance of rest and reflection as essential components of effective leadership.

In this episode, we explore:

•  Identifying and breaking unconscious “default behaviors” 
•  Using core values as a decision-making anchor 
•  Navigating difficult conversations with clarity and intention 
•  Understanding and addressing “stealth intentions” 
•  Modeling accountability without blame or defensiveness 
•  Adapting communication based on context and audience 
•  Recognizing formal and informal power dynamics 
•  Prioritizing rest, reflection, and sustainable leadership practices 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

This is the Female Founder Show with host and entrepreneur, Bridget Fitzpatrick, exclusively on ASBN.

What RARE Coaching Does

SPEAKER_02 0:18

Hello everyone, and welcome to the Female Founder Show. Today I'm pleased to be joined by Iko Batheya. ICO is a leadership coach, attorney, and the founder of RARE Coaching and Consulting. She's held executive roles across government, philanthropy, nonprofit, and the private sector, including the City of Atlanta and the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. She also helped develop leadership strategies for the Brene Brown Education and Research Group. Her new book, Anchored, Aligned, Accountable, gives us a clear framework for navigating through conversations at work and at home without losing ourselves in the process. Iko, I'm so glad that you're joining us today. I'm so glad to be here. Really excited about this conversation. Meeting? Before we dive into the book and what you talk about there, talk to us about what you do at Rare Coaching and Consulting.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

Ah, love my favorite topic. So we're a leadership development firm. We have a bench of about 30 certified executive coaches. So not only do they provide coaching for C-suite and even middle management, but we also offer uh retreats. We also facilitate, we also provide team coaching. So we go inside of organizations and support them with their leadership development. So important.

SPEAKER_02 1:31

Very important, especially as companies get larger and they, you know, we go from a small company into, you know, 15 or plus employees. You really need help navigating that part of the business.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Yeah, that's I'm glad that you said that because oftentimes founders are thinking about just how do I start up or revenue, et cetera, versus thinking about how do I want to hold the culture? Right. How am I actually helping my hires actually build their skills as well to hold the company?

Defining The Default Behaviors

SPEAKER_02 1:59

100%. I love that. So in your book, Anchored, Aligned, Accountable, a framework for transcending bullshit and transforming our lives and work. In the book, okay, let's talk about the bullshit part, those moments. What do you mean when you say that?

SPEAKER_01 2:14

Uh, these are the moments when we realize, um, actually, I would say often in the moment you may not even realize it, but you're actually operating in these default ways. So not in terms of who you would really want to be or how you would really want to show up. And you end up, there's an opportunity cost, right? There's also an exhaustion factor. So the BS looks like, um, I name at least nine or ten of them in the book. They look like the behaviors of people pleasing, uh, defaulting into community or family stories of origin. Like they might say, Oh, you're supposed to be the oldest. The oldest girl is what? Or you're the smartest, you're the responsible one. Yeah. Or in communities, sometimes this idea of we don't do things like that. We don't ski. We would never do that in public. So all these things that are default beliefs we end up having, which also ends up being default behaviors. And that means that we're really not living life on our own agenda, but we're living somebody else's agenda. Yeah. Then you have these moments where maybe it's out of fatigue, exhaustion, you're in the doldrums, but something doesn't feel quite right. And if you're lucky enough, you have somebody like an executive coach, or maybe an a therapist, or you're a great reader, or you're reflecting, and you realize the disconnect is caused by some of the things in the some of the BS that I name.

Values As Your Anchor

SPEAKER_02 3:38

How do we overcome that? Or maybe we don't, maybe we just live through it. But how do we how do we manage that? Um those moments when we feel like we might be shrinking or feeling like we need to apologize for something. Um, what would you say to that? How do we, what do we do there?

SPEAKER_01 3:58

So there's a lot of different ways to notice. One is um the first step is recognizing something is happening and paying attention to when you notice it, whether it's the exhaustion or just feeling displeased with the status of life or feeling like you're not going anywhere, even if you're going nowhere quickly. But these ideas of listening to yourself uh somatically, listening to even what your internal chatter is saying, is it like, why are you doing this again? Why are we here and not there? So one is just noticing first. And then when you're noticing, to pay attention to it and actually reflect. I talk a lot about values because the anchored part of the work is being anchored into your values. And a lot of people see that as a throwaway exercise. Um, I will be transparent and say a lot of executive coaches use that as a throwaway exercise, but there's so much depth in it. It's not something you do in one setting, it's something that you keep carving away at. And I often recommend that people have what are your top two values? Because if you have four, five, six, right, doesn't really mean anything. So not only do you name those top values, but what are the behaviors that reflect that you're living into them? Yeah. When do you know when you're not? So now you're learning yourself more. And then we start realizing the ways that we're operating in society, the things we're saying or the things we're not saying, right? And we just internalize why is that and are they in alignment with who we want to be? So our values are always the core anchor point of who am I and who do I aspire to be. So all roads should lead back to that for you to have a good gut check of is this how I want it to be?

SPEAKER_02 5:41

Right.

SPEAKER_01 5:41

And if it's not, how do I get to that place?

Honesty With Context And Agility

SPEAKER_02 5:44

Exactly. And I think a lot of times when we have those moments you were talking about, we probably realize right away that we're not living in our values or being true to ourself or what we're saying might not be what we really believe, because we are people pleasers and we're, you know, trying to avoid confrontation and things like that. So with the values part of it, as leaders of businesses, um keeping keeping true to yourself as a leader. Um maybe getting being direct but not too harsh when you're trying to communicate with your team. How do we navigate that?

SPEAKER_01 6:25

A few things. So the first part I would probably question with um if there's a client I'm coaching, is what is too harsh and according to whom? Yeah. So a lot of times we might say, oh, because that wouldn't that sound rude? Or I shouldn't. So I'm always paying attention to the shoulds and shouldn't've, because where do where do those come from? Where do those standards come from? So that's some of the beginning part of noticing I'm defaulting somehow because I have this belief about a should or shouldn't. And going back to you, the question I would always have leaders ask themselves is how do you want it to be? Regardless of what the scenarios that they're bringing up to me, I'll say, How do you want it to be? And they actually have to stop and pause and be like, How do I want it to be? And we go from there, well, what's the outcome you want here? So those are the things in terms of how do I want it to be, in terms of who do I want to be in this situation? Who do I want to be overall? And then what impact do I want? And sometimes we find out that we have these stealth intentions where Bridget, you and I have a disagreement, and I'm like, I really need to tell her this, but I don't want to say it because X, Y, and Z. So the idea would be, why would you not want to say it? And it may come to because I don't want her to be hurt. Or it might say, I might say, no, I need to tell her like it is, huh? Why would you do that? Because I do want her to be hurt. I want her to feel like I did. Yeah. So we start realizing there are these stealth intentions we have which make us behave in ways that are not productive and not in alignment with who we actually want to be. Right. So the starting question of how do you want it to be really general and broad, but so many layers to it.

SPEAKER_02 8:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:10

But many people don't even start there.

SPEAKER_02 8:12

No, it's a tough one. Yeah, it is. Is there do you think there's a happy medium and I say too harsh, but being too direct and and being too soft? Is there a happy medium or how do we how do we manage that?

SPEAKER_01 8:28

I think it's all about context. Yeah. So I might want to be always be honest. I say, hey, it's really important to me that I be transparent and honest. But my how may be the thing that shifts. Yeah. Because I might be in a room full of folks who um I need to be a little bit gentler with for me to have the impact that I want. But I'm not doing it to be somebody else. I'm still going to give the feedback, but I might do it in a different way. The other part is I might have to come in and say it in a very direct and clear way that may for the be with group B not work. But in this other group, I need to be very direct and clear, because maybe there are a bunch of uh folks who are like data scientists. Yeah, right. You cannot beat around the bush. You need to say what you mean and mean what you say. Um and what that means and what that reflects is uh being different with group A and group B is that I'm still being honest with what am I trying to accomplish, but my how might be different. And that reflects a lot of emotional agility and self-awareness. So I realize, oh, I want I still want to accomplish this, but with Bridget, I want to ask her about her kids first. I want to figure out how she is instead of coming cutting to the chase. Whereas with Robin, I might have to say, hey, this is the I don't want to bury the lead. So this is where we are, and unpack it. And then for Robin, she might be able to decompress after you've gone through that. And now I can ask her how her kids are. Yeah. Or she may not even want to have that conversation because she's not, she's be brief, be bright, be gone.

SPEAKER_02 9:57

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:58

But us having that degree of self-awareness so that we can be agile is what's important. So there's not really a too harsh, a to this, it's what are you trying to accomplish and what does the moment require? And do you have the emotional agility to be responsive?

SPEAKER_02 10:14

I love that. Read basically read the broom, know who you're talking to, as well as what your values are and what you need to be honest about. Absolutely perfect. I love that. So you talked a little bit about being curious and asking the question. What's one question every leader should ask themselves before they act? Is it what you what we were talking about? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:35

I think it's going back to how do you want it to be? And from that, you always have to ask things like, Do I have some stealth intentions? Do I have some stealth beliefs? Am I likely to default to X, Y, and Z behavior, which I don't like? But am I likely to start fawning and being a people pleaser? Or am I likely to be really armored up and much harsher than I want to be? So when I know those things about myself, I'm able to flex and guard against the outcome I don't want. Yeah. Or being the person I don't want to be.

SPEAKER_02 11:09

Let's talk about culture for a minute. And you do help people with retreats and things like that. What talk to us about the importance of that?

SPEAKER_01 11:17

Of retreats or culture? Retreats. Okay. Well, one of the factors I have in the book, I named three different ways to have a transform, like a transformational life. And the first one being connection. So connecting with yourself and being connection with others. The second one is growth and expansion. So we are wired for growth and learning just as we are wired for connection. And the third one is rest and spaciousness. And often people will ask me, well, wait, what do you mean by spaciousness? So I give them the example of uh oftentimes when I'm coaching people or working with teams, we do this check-in in the beginning, and folks will say, Tired, exhausted, busy. And one time I thought, okay, tell me what you would be doing if you weren't here. And there's this silence in this room with this particular company we work with. And finally people said, I would love to say that I would be going hiking or take this class I haven't taken or do X, Y, and Z with my kids, but I am too tired to do that. I think I'd be on the couch, vegg out watching Netflix, or I'd have to sleep for a week before I could even do that. Yeah. And so this idea of the spaciousness, you need that, you can't be in exhaustion and burnout. So the rest is just a critical need. But the spaciousness is something different. And that allows you to be able to be in creativity, in flow space, to connect. And when you're in a retreat, you're retreating from so many things and hopefully resting. But the retreat allows you to have the spaciousness of creativity, of nowhere to go, nothing to do. And sitting, we call it the bottom of the you, like the Sharma Ottoman idea of like just being in rest and I don't, I'm not rushed. And that's when your ideas come. That's when people are so surprised that when I was just taking a shower and I was just these ideas came because you're in a spacious state. So this idea of rest and spaciousness. And that's why retreating is so important. Retreating is important also because you get the space for expansion and growth. You're in a different environment. You're disrupting your normal flow and space. You can be in awe of this other space that you're in. You can challenge and learn new things about yourself and how you feel, even if you're not taking a course or anything. And then that idea of connection, you're connecting with yourself. You're learning about yourself. Wow, I never thought I'd like this food. Wow, I never thought that this decor would look great. Wow. And you have random conversations with strangers. So retreating includes each of those components of having a transformational life.

SPEAKER_02 13:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:59

So important. So important. And you don't need to leave, although we're having a retreat in Costa Rica in October at night. You don't have to jump on a plane and go there. It can also be a walk in your neighborhood or in a completely different neighborhood you've never been in, and spending a few hours there. Nowhere to go, nothing to do.

SPEAKER_02 14:16

Yeah. How I I love that. And it makes so much sense because we're so, you know, we get into our zone and we're in the the I say grind, but that's that's a harsh word, I think. But we get into the you know, work, work, muscle and the right. It is important to get away from that. Like you said, even if it's for a walk, sometimes I'll take a walk around this building just to kind of clear my head for a minute and then get back back to it.

SPEAKER_01 14:40

So that's right. And it's doing something for you somatically too, shifting the space and the energy you're in. If I take my dog to a different dog park in just one, I love seeing him playing with the other dogs, and I'm in a different space and observing a different way of being. So necessary. Yeah, it really is.

Accountability With Generosity

SPEAKER_02 14:58

Now you have worked with people helping hold them accountable in all areas of business. Is there one behavior or habit that you see successful leaders um doing that others can start practicing?

SPEAKER_01 15:13

Yes, and that we have a dearth of, I think, um globally, and it's about accountability. And I talk a lot about um accountable spaces, which there is just a lack of. And so when you see a leader who is willing to hold themselves accountable and even do it in a public way, I messed up. Man, I could have done that better. Like knowing not only in the moment if they messed up, but willing to reflect and think about it later or receive feedback and then come back and say, Bridget, I was thinking about this the other day, and I realized not only did I rush you and cut you off five times when you were talking, but my tone wasn't what I would have wanted it to be. So a leader who's willing to hold themselves accountable in very specific ways and behaviors, wow. And then also leaders who are willing to and able to hold others accountable with generosity. So not using shame and blame, but being able to say the thing that has to do to be said to enable growth, to hold a bar for culture and expectations, and to want transparency. Without accountability, you can't get transparency and your impact is limited.

unknown 16:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:26

So when leaders have the grit and fortitude to be able to one, hold themselves accountable, um, to invite their team to hold them accountable, and they don't turn into the Hulk when that's done, yeah, and willing to do that for their team, colleagues, and others, but with generosity. Those are that's hands down a huge win and a um distinguishes leaders between each other.

Working With Brene Brown

SPEAKER_02 16:53

That is so important because it's hard for us to be vulnerable at times, and that's that's being vulnerable, but it's important. Absolutely. So let's talk about the book for a minute. You have the forward by Brene Brown. Can you talk to us about that relationship and and what it has done for your career?

SPEAKER_01 17:10

Yeah, um, so a few things that I will say that um I love about Brene and working with her is that she's a learner. So it's not really so much about, oh, they know so much or they're just so X, Y, and Z in this idealistic way, but uh seeing her make decisions and then say, hey, that actually wasn't the best one. I could have done that differently. Owning it, going back and circling back and doing it differently. Um so that very trait that we just talked about with leaders being willing to hold themselves accountable, uh, I appreciate about her. And one thing that we underestimate is the vulnerability in learning and growing in public. And when you're in up the public eye, it is hard when you make mistakes because people are not very forgiving, right? But to be willing to, instead of doubling down, instead of avoiding, to say, you know what, I actually could have done that different, or I thought about that and I would have done this instead, or I just messed that up. That's been great modeling for me to see someone doing that. So the other part is sharing attribution and credit. Many leaders don't pause to do that and say, well, actually, this is a concept I'm working on, but it actually came from whether somebody's dead or alive. I've seen her say this comes from a concept from Bell Hooks. This came from, and it'll be somebody you've never heard of. And the idea of having that much grounded security that you know that you don't need to be the knower and you own that you're not, and you bring other people in. Yeah. So those are some of the the traits that I've seen in her that I greatly value and I try to actually show up as in those ways. I love it. She's great. She's great.

Book Takeaways And Somatic Awareness

SPEAKER_02 18:53

Yeah. So let's talk about the book's more. Tell us some of the takeaways that you want the readers to go away with.

SPEAKER_01 18:59

Uh one is the holding yourself and others accountable with generosity. Really big there. The way the book is written is that I have a lot of anecdotes and I ask people to process through them because I do think that a lot of it is, yes, reflective, but also somatically, what's happening for you when you think about this person having to confront someone. And I had pre-readers for the book, and what was very interesting is that folks are saying, man, there were just some moments that were really hard, and I couldn't get through that story because I felt cringy and I felt like, oh my gosh, I can't believe this is happening, or I could relate to it. So I appreciate that people had an emotional response to it because that's what real life is like. That's right. It's easy to read an HBR or Fortune uh article about how to give feedback. It's hard to do it when you're dealing with human emotions and someone in front of you, which is why the book isn't written the way it is. Take a beat and think about X, Y, and Z.

SPEAKER_02 19:59

Yeah.

Power Dynamics And Identity At Work

SPEAKER_01 19:59

So I want people to walk away with some somatic awareness and self-awareness about what their own activation points are and how they really want to be in these hard situations. It's easier to be in an idyllic way when there's no win coming against you, right? You're not in any headwinds. So I want people to have that, understand accountability with generosity. And then I also want them to think about culture and things like psychological safety and think about the fact that they don't just happen because you learned some skills, they also happen because you're aware of your power and the power of people around you, so that you're not exercising power over and you're also able to show up how you want to. Yeah. So people always think about power as um, when you think about power, what comes up for you, Bridget?

SPEAKER_02 20:52

Up strong leadership. Um, I hate to go towards politics, but sometimes people think probably that's a very powerful place to be, but just strong leadership.

SPEAKER_01 21:04

Yeah, so power is the ability to influence people, maybe titles, yeah, to have and financial wealth. And it's also things that people don't think a lot about. So when one organization, I think I talk about the story in the book, um, we're doing a culture scan and supporting them there. And out of all the stakeholder interviews and things that we looked at, when you would consider who has the most power in the company, who would you say?

SPEAKER_02 21:32

The owner of CEO.

SPEAKER_01 21:34

Yeah, the owner or CEO. Well, it comes out that in this company, the person who had the most power was the CEO's assistant. Because not only was she his assistant and knew everything, the executive assistant, but she'd been his dad's as well. And she'd knew him, known him when he was a kid.

unknown 21:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:51

So everybody knew not to say anything around her or to her, but she was the one who kind of was calling the shots. Yeah. So Power comes in all of these different forms. Um, the person who schedules conference rooms. Sometimes in places they think it's because you have a credential from Harvard. But regionally it could be that you if you're in Washington, it may be because you went to UW, yeah, and not because you went to Harvard. So these ways for people to be aware of the dynamics that are playing out in a room that are unspoken. Because otherwise you're either very naive or you can fall into being manipulative. Right. And not naming the power you have. So for um companies, oftentimes it has the closest relationship with the founders. And the other part about power and the ways that it comes is an identity. And of course, we're in an era right now where we don't name identity or talk about it. Right. But if you're the only woman in a room of data scientists who came from X, Y, and Z, you may not have as much power because you're the only one. And same in terms of we think, oh, you're the newbie in the office, so you have less power because you have less tenure. Well, in some places, the newbie has more power because we've they've come in to change things and shake things up. So it's this idea of critical awareness in this lens to understand what's happening in a room so that you don't default to playing into it. And also you can get the best out of that culture.

SPEAKER_02 23:18

Yeah.

Hard Conversations As Connection

SPEAKER_01 23:19

So if I go back to your question about what are things I would want people to get out of the book, one is being able to hold themselves and others accountable with generosity. Because we have to do it with self-compassion as well for ourselves. Two, for people to be aware of how power plays out and owning their own identity in that and being able to acknowledge others and how that's coming out as well. I love it. Yeah, I love it.

SPEAKER_02 23:42

And that is if we go back to having those difficult conversations, because that's what it's about, having difficult conversations at work and at home, you have to have them in order to to really reserve your own peace and your own sanity for yourself. So at the end of the day, it's what you're doing, you're helping the company, but you're mainly helping yourself. And you're holding your own boundaries and as leader. If you're no good, the company can't be good.

SPEAKER_01 24:11

That's right. That's right. I'll offer one reframe about the difficult conversations and seeing them as opportunities for connection with people. Because when you have a conversation with rigor and transparency, you learn so much more about the other person. Yeah. If you're doing it with curiosity. Right. Because now I can ask Bridget, well, what did that mean for you when that happened? Well, what was the impact that you wanted? And what do you think it could have been? Can I share what where I came from? So challenging conversations are great ways for greater self-awareness, but also for connection. Yeah. And I talk a lot about curiosity as critical curiosity, but as curiosity as being a part of care. Okay. Because I'm taking the time to listen. I'm not writing my own story about you. I'm being present with you when you're actually answering these questions and you're giving me the space to ask and be curious. And oftentimes when we're really curious, people answer in ways we never thought. And it erases a lot of the story that we have. So oftentimes conversations with some challenge or rigor is a great operation opportunity for connection and also learning for ourselves. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:23

Right. I love it. Everything that you've said makes so much sense. I cannot wait to read the book. Thank you. Um, thank you so much for joining us today. Well, let's have you back on maybe after the book launch and absolutely talk some more about this because it's a very important topic that needs to be talked about more.

SPEAKER_01 25:38

Absolutely. Thank you for inviting me. Thank you.

unknown 25:40

Bye.

Closing And Guest Invitation

SPEAKER_00 25:41

This is the Female Founder Show with host and entrepreneur, Bridget Fitzpatrick, exclusively on ASBN. If you're a female founder and would like to help other female founders with your inspiring story, we would love to hear from you.